A number of years ago I found a book in the bargain bin of a bookstore in Sarasota FL, called Kosher Adultery by Rabbi Shumley Boteach. How could I not pick it up? He introduced… More
I am a great believer that it is the emotional connection that matters in relationships. It’s true: emotions matter. But this post from positive psychologist, Emilia Zhivotovskaya adds a little more complexity to the equation. and also a new avenue to explore to strengthen intimacy in marriage. I recommend her full blog entry on the Positive Psychology News site, you can read her entry here.
The bottom line, in case you don’t have the time to read the full posting, is that our bodies have naturally occurring oxytocin that gets activated and released when we experience touch, or when we feel connected, loved and cared for. Even if that feeling is generated through social media like facebook.
Of course, we don’t have to sit helplessly and hope someone will show care and love through facebook. Even thinking about someone who loves you or someone you deeply care for is enough to activate the release of oxytocin.
Best of all though, if you want to stimulate the most potent release of oxytocin, it is actually experienced through physical touch. In a TED Talk, Dr. Zak prescribes at least 8 hugs per day to feel happier and more connected, as well as to nurture relationships.
Now you really need to read Emilia’s post here for the full story. But, in the meantime, do yourself a favor—go hug someone!
Dr. Don Russell and Associates provides counselling therapy through this site: russellcounselling.com.
Brene Brown, a researcher in social work, speaks for a second time at TED Talks on shame. Many, many times on the couples counselling office obstacles to intimacy surface that are related to fear of vulnerability in relationships; fear of being exposed as less than. It creates huge problems. Dr. Brown shines a bright light on shame. That bright light can reduce the power that shame has over people, and reduces the impairing impact on relationships.
Brene Brown’s book Daring Greatly is a must read! She takes ideas and concepts that we experience in life and relationships and she puts words around them. I highly recommend the book for therapists who want to help couples improve the level of intimacy in their relationships.
I also have been recommending the book to clients: individuals and couples. Here’s the book page on Amazon.
If you aren’t a reader, don’t despair. You can get a good taste of Dr. Brown’s message here posted below.
Let me know what you think of her message.
Many, many couples start off their couples counselling saying to me, ‘we are having trouble communicating’. I’ve learned that that is often one of those half truths: it’s really true that they’re not communicating well, but there are other things going on that is making the communication challenged. Those ‘other things’ are for another blog entry. For today, I want to share some examples of the communication gap in one of the most sensitive areas of married life; the couples sex life. The Blogger who goes by the name ‘Hot, Holy, & Humorous’ has collected reports from husbands on ‘what they wish their wives knew about sexuality – you will be surprised.
Here’s the link:
These posts can serve as great conversation started for couples to get some unspoken topics out on to the table – always a good thing….done respectfully, of course.
As always let me know what you think.
I’ve attempted the spiritual discipline called centering prayer. In a nutshell, it is clearing your mind about everything, except one thing, a mantra or centering phrase. Sounds easy, right? If you have ever tried it you know that it is very difficult. First time I tried this discipline -which by the way is supposed to bring calm and peace – I was shocked at how much ‘noise’ is going on inside my head filling in the vacuum.
What does this have to do with sex and intimacy in marriage, you ask? A lot actually.
When we make ourselves vulnerable sexually with our spouse, it is supposed to be a time of focusing on one thing, but like the spiritual discipline of centering prayer, it can be the trigger for a tide of random and frequently negative thoughts.
One author I read a while ago likened the mind to a young, untrained puppy. It doesn’t intend to drive us nuts. A puppy just hasn’t learned to behave itself and so it will pee on the carpet from time to time. Likewise, our mind will go where it shouldn’t because it hasn’t been trained yet either. Especially, it seems with sex, our mind can simply start wandering. For many of us, our thoughts wonder out of the bedroom and we find ourselves rehashing a conflict from work, wondering if the kids can hear, should we replace this squeaky bed, can we afford a new bed?, planning lunches for the kids tomorrow. You get the idea. Just about anything and everything EXCEPT where we want our mind to be, which is focused on the sexual enjoyment and intimacy happening right now.
Even worse than random thoughts are the negative, judgmental ones. For some reason our mind doesn’t usually suffer from intrusive POSITIVE thoughts. Hmm? The thoughts that intrude and distract can also be a cascade of negative, critical evaluations of oneself, one’s partner, the sexual encounter.
It is called ‘spectatoring’ and it is one of the most frequent and troublesome factors that can compromise sexual enjoyment. Generally men are more beset with mental background noise around their performance: “Am I erect enough?”, “Am I turning her on or is she faking it?”, Where is the clitoris supposed to be?”, “Am I going to orgasm too soon?” You get the idea. For women, the concern and mental background noise is around questions and doubts about body image: “Does this position make me look fat?”, ” Can I disguise that part of my body that I don’t like?” These are hard and fast gender distinctions of course and research is suggesting that the gender differences are closing: men are becoming more concerned with body image and women are becoming more concerned with their evaluation of their sexual skill.
What to do?
Ultimately, the solution to this challenge is to become less anxious is bed. Of course, while accurate, that is not a very helpful prescription. I have more help than that. The real culprit is that when we notice our mind wandering to the kid’s lunches or the concern about what we look like in this position, the next thought we have is a harsh, self-judgmental one. That is where the damage to our well-being and our sexual enjoyment begins. Marty Klein, author of Sexual Intelligence, challenges his readers in marriages and long term partnerships to grow up! What he means is we need to cast aside the fantasies of ‘teenager sex’ (his term) and recognize that adults in long term relationships have to make space and allowances for familiarity, imperfection (in oneself and one’s partner), and age. When we accept the reality that we are sexual beings and we are also responsible for packing the kids lunches, we can accept that our thoughts are going to wander from one to the other. No big deal. It’s just your untrained mind/puppy wandering around off its leash. There is no point in getting mad at it. In fact, instead of the negative judgement ( “I should be able to stay hard – what is wrong with me!!?”), the observation “I’m not as firm as I usually am” can be followed by an inner acceptance (“I’m not 20 anymore, thankfully, and besides my spouse still thinks I’m great”).
Truth is that there is more intimacy available in a relationship that is long term and two people who know each other deeply and over the long haul, than the young, new relationship sex. More intimacy and more acceptance. So what if there are imperfections in your lovemaking. Perfection is not what your partner loves about you!
Let me know what you think, and what questions this provokes by commenting.
Think of these as a big, smelly gorilla sitting in the corner of your living room. It may not be causing trouble at this moment. But, nobody really wants to take their eyes off it in case it starts to act up. Really distracting! In this case the distraction will have a negative effect on the man’s arousal level, and a negative effect on the woman’s ability to relax, be open and vulnerable (literally and figurative speaking). For some women emotional contact is a major ingredient in achieve sexual desire. Poor communication, topics left un-discussed, and other barriers to intimacy can turn off your sex drive.
In my counselling therapy practice, I’ve worked with many couples who have lost vitality in their sex life. When we explore the reasons why, often we discover that the cooling off can be traced back to a pretty innocent-looking thing – they just didn’t like conflict. Lack of conflict seems like a good thing on the surface. No one likes to fight with their loved one. But conflict is how differences get aired out and it is the pathway for growth.
So how do you fix this desire-killer?
The first part of the solution is checking for, and identifying the unresolved issues.
- What are the conversations you are having in your imagination, but not in real life?
- What are the ‘baggage issues’ that you brought into marriage that have been satisfactorily settled – think previous sexual relationships, expectations about male and female roles that you learned from your parents?
- What are the issues within your marriage that got swept under the carpet under the edict ‘let’s put the past behind us’, or I don’t want to talk about this anymore, can we just forget about it?’
The second part of the solution is, yes, you guessed it – dealing with it. There is no short cut around dealing. But I do have a bunch of pointers that will help the process – and make it survivable.
- The way to eat an elephant is in small bites. The way to clear away the unresolved issues is by accepting that it doesn’t have to get cleared away in one sitting. Small conversations where the emotional intensity is kept under control are FAR more productive and effective.
- Accept that conflict is actually a sign on love and commitment. One of John Gottman’s important findings from his research on what makes successful relationships is that even very satisfied and happy couples have conflict! The difference is that they fight well.
- Recognize that you are both fighting for the same thing. Honesty, integrity and openness are the raw ingredients of intimacy. So, gather up your courage and speak honestly, speak for yourself and speak about your feelings. They are your internal reality. The outcome is intimacy.
- Learn to tolerate the feeling of not being understood – for a few minutes. This is actually a critical life skill. Stephen Covey has talked about seeking first to understand rather than being understood. That’s a great point, but it rest on this even more important point: One can only seek first to understand if one is will to let go of being understood for a little while. It is surprisingly hard. But I promise nobody has ever died from not being understood. The benefit is that you will open communication, honesty, and that increases intimacy.
- Expect that you will need to forgive…something. Your spouse is not perfect. You knew that already. However, frequently we carry around unrealistic fantasies about how our spouse should be. Part of this process of improving intimacy with your spouse may (likely will) involve forgiving your spouse for not being the ideal in your mind. This forgiving doesn’t necessarily involve asking your spouse for his/her forgiveness, but it does involve you and yourself and God.
Ever noticed that married sex is portrayed as either a oxymoron or a joke in popular media. Hot sex is for singles ‘hooking up’. The sex life of married people is boring, plain and burdensome. Right? Wrong!
This is the first of a series of posts on how to recovery or reboot your married sex life. Truth is your sex life in marriage doesn’t have to be boring and routine. These posts will walk you through how to reboot your sex life.
The first obstacle I’ll address and solve is the deterioration of intimacy that can happen from busy-ness. In my counselling therapy practice I’ve heard from numerous couples, “There isn’t enough time”. And let’s face it, life is going faster than ever before. Wives and husbands are feeling so overwhelmed with the demands of work and children that they simply lose track of each other emotionally. The result is often an increasing sense of disconnection that shows up as squabbles over miscommunication, disagreements over finances, lack of agreement on parenting and discipline. And the couple’s sex life will be a casualty for sure.
How do you turn this lack of intimacy problem around? Well, the speed of life will not slow down by itself, so if we want to find a solution we will have to look elsewhere. Fortunately, turning this lack of intimacy around is entirely doable. Here’s how.
1) The marriage relationship has to be a priority for both. This means actually scheduling time for the marriage rather than expecting time shared will just happen. Decide that you want something different and better for your relationship and decide that you will make some changes to make it happen.
2) Children come second. Scandalous, I know. But seriously, the most important gift you can give your children is a healthy marriage. When marriages are close and intimate, children experience less stress, and the whole family functions better. Research shows that children will have fewer medical problems, presumably because there is less chronic stress in the home.
3) Schedule time together to ‘just connect’. For example, schedule a slot of 15-20 minutes of uninterrupted conversation each day. This may take some creativity and planning. Get out your calendars and figure out when you can make time for each other. It might not be evenings especially if you have kids. Some couples opt to arrange breakfast alone for daily conversations or a lunch as a chance for a long conversation.
4) Be intentional about ‘re-entry time’. For most couples the time where one or both return home from work is a critical time – and many couples have told me in therapy that it easily becomes a disaster-time. Establish a ritual to create some together time that is positive. The mood in the home at that time dictates whether both people look forward to seeing each other at the end of the day or dread it.
5) Be intentional about bedtime. Most parents make sure that their children have a predictable attachment routine to help the children get to sleep knowing that they are loved and safe. Sounds great when I put it that way, doesn’t it! Why not establish the same priority with your spouse? Even if you go to bed at different times, as many couples do, take some time when the first person goes to bed to cuddle, snuggle and close up the day together in bed. It is a reaffirmation of the caring and respect you have for each other. It allows each to go to sleep with a sense of being together, even if it is at different times.
6) Schedule at least one overnight just for yourselves every 2 months. No kids, just you two. Call in some favors if you need to for childcare. Or swap services with another couple.
7) Take advantage of technology and social media. Phone, IM, texts or emails can fill in as a form of connecting. Flirt using these.
These conversations are a time to share information about work and family and other commitments or interests so you are able to nourish the sense of being best friends. For many men an invitation to talk about their jobs, is important to decreases their stress. For some, especially men, connection is not always verbal. For these husbands the emphasis on intimacy as being side-by-side as opposed to face-to-face needs to be honored and nurtured. For example, cooking a meal together,or some other daily task can be of intimacy-building. Obviously shared hobbies or pursuits would fill the bill too. Sad to say, but some couples forget how to have fun together. Life has become all about work and tasks and becomes much too serious.
On the surface, this doesn’t sound like tips on improving one’s sex life. The point is that that for many people this closeness is the building block that creates sexual interest and desire. Closeness is a turn on. Check out my Marriage Rebooted Seminar for Churches. And other Speakers on more topics.
Leave a comment and let me know what works for you to build intimacy. Also let me know what you see as an obstacle for a great married sex life.
Reboot your marriage is a blog, a website, a weekend seminar for outreach oriented churches, and more.
Hi, I’m Dr. Don Russell and I have a great passion to help couples recover..well, their passion in their marriage. I firmly believe that marriage doesn’t have to drift off into the land of humdrum, predictable, and bored. That’s a danger for sure. I am a counselling therapist who has worked with many couples over the years who lapsed into the humdrum. Or worse yet, the marriage became gravely threatened by unfaithfulness partly as a result of the humdrum.
The spark, the sizzle, the interest can stay alive.
Of course that spark will stay alive only if couples take the right steps to make it so.
That’s where these resources come it. I provide tools, strategies and practical steps to keep the fires burning. Stay tuned, and let me know what you’d like to hear from me:answers to questions, or whatever.
Here are two things I like: I like reading smart people; and I like vacations. So I am very interested in what smart person, Genevieve Douglass writes about applying Positive Psychology to vacationing. She identified five ways that you can get more gratification from a vacation. The really exciting thing she finds is that these vacation enhancements aren’t correlated to cost. You don’t have to spend more to get more gratification!
1) Planning is a source of enjoyment.
We can overlook the extra enjoyment available related to taking a vacation that happens before the vacation starts. That is the anticipation, planning, dreaming part of the trip. These create positive emotions that don’t have any cost to them whatsoever. Read about the country or region you will be traveling to and 9tenetatively) plan your itinerary
2) Optimise the positive emotions in planning the length of your vacation.
Recent research (and my own experience) has identified that the positive benefit of a vacation maxes out at about the eighth day. So instead of looking forward to one three week vacation and hanging all hope for rest, relief and refreshment on the one vacation, it may be better to break that up into three one-week vacations. You may get more R & R bang for your buck that way.
Sounds obvious to some of us, but a vacation that a person describes as ‘very relaxing’ had longer lasting mood-enhancement benefits that those that weren’t. So, while a trip to a theme park may seem like a wonderful vacation on paper, if it turns out to involve long line-ups and cranky children (not yours, of course!) then it may not be the best vacation for happiness.
4) Hold Plans in a Loose Hand
I recall vacationing in France and misreading the train schedule which lead me to spend an extra several hours in a small town in Southern France. It created a complication definitely. But after coming to terms with my mistake and sorting out the impact of my plans, I took a wonderful walk around the town center and took in sights I never planned on and certainly weren’t in my paperback travel guide. Keeping a flexible mindset increases the possibility of gratification and decreases various negative emotions that undermine happiness.
There is a good reason people take pictures and then return to those pictures six months after they’ve come home. Savoring memories is a powerful way to leverage the enjoyment and gratification of the vacation after the fact. So anticipating before you leave and savoring or reminiscing after you return both extend the happiness valie of the vacation at no extra cost.
Read Genevieve Douglass’ post in full here